Sex and Relationships

Are you going from relationship to relationship? Maybe you're a serial monogamous

You had just broken up with Juan when you met Pedro, and immediately you started a relationship with him. When Andres left you, and then Jorge and then Carlos ... Is it possible that you are a serial monogamous?

The serial monogamous is a kind of Tarzan of relations: It goes from couple to couple as Tarzan went from liana to liana.

For them, fidelity, exclusivity or commitment are important, not that they are hoarders of relationships. What characterizes them is that They don't leave a break between relationships, they always have a partner.

We should not confuse it with people who "are more of relationships than of one night rolls" because they have their differentiating nuances.

There are those who do not feel comfortable with casual encounters and prefer to be in the context of a relationship, but this would not be serial monogamy since these people can spend perfectly long periods of singleness.

If you are a serial monogamous it is possible that…

  • Don't remember the last time you were single... for at least three or four months.
  • Do not worry about finding a partner if you run out of it since your experience tells you that it will not take you to find a new one (at least that is what has happened to you in the past).
  • Do not clearly see the future with your partner, but you do live the present calmly with him. You don't look like "the mother of your children" or traveling with the Imserso when your hair is silver, but right now you're fine, okay, everything is correct.

Serial monogamous live (as far as relationships are concerned) in a present ... continuous. Why? Because in reality those relationships do not fill them but they "serve" them, for now. (I'll tell you more about this later.)

The motives

  • It may be voluntary, conscious and by choice.
  • It may be because we have an idea of ​​what romantic love should be, say, unrealistic. Beliefs that love has to make us feel butterflies ALL THE TIME and that love can do everything ("if we have to work for our relationship is not going well") can lead us to believe that when falling in love means That love is over. And it is not like that: falling in love gives way to love, to another stage more serene but no less intense or beautiful.
  • We live in a consumer society, and relationships have become another product: just as there is fast food there are fast consumption ratios.
  • Zero Frustration Tolerance: At the slightest conflict we end the relationship, but as we like monogamy ... we look for another.

Many serial monogamous ones are not consciously: if you ask them they will tell you that it has been all a bit by chance, that that new person appeared just at the moment ...

But the reality is that chance does not lead you into a relationship: it is a decision, and therefore we are responsible for it, it is not chance that decides for us.

Loneliness? No thanks

Sometimes in consultation I have met people who have gone from relationship to relationship, without pauses, monogamous in series. When working with them their reasons for consultation (which do not have to do most of the time with this) I have often come across that they have a common base idea: loneliness is negative.

Sometimes we relate to being alone with being isolated, or we associate a series of very negative connotations to singleness. But the reality is that neither having a partner is the key to happiness or being alone is being "alone" / isolated.

If we run away from loneliness we may end up involved in relationships that don't really fill us up, in which we may be there.

Those relationships are "burning nails" to those who hold on to not face what scares us: that notion of loneliness we have. But I ask you: what is worse, being alone or being with someone for being?

The problem with these "instrumentalized" relationships is that they do not fill us and therefore they are bound to fail. What we usually do is "dare" the person, make up on what we think it should be, ignoring who it really is, to fit what we want.

Let's say we design in our head the other, in a supreme self-deception to justify that we continue with the relationship. But the cardboard-stone does not last long and in the end reality makes its way and explodes in our face.

What happens next? That the conclusion we draw is that "we have no luck in love" or what is worse "is that all men / women are equal", which conditions our future decisions leading us, paradoxically, to choose couples again ... not to be alone. With this we feed, again and again, the series monogamy cycle.

A serial monogamous specimen

Ted Mosby, from How I Met Your Mother is a serial monogamous.

Despite the fact that throughout all seasons we see him have the odd affair One night the reality is that he wants to have a relationship, and hence he engages with a girl and then, when that relationship fails, with another, another, another one ...

In this series there is an even more obvious example of monogamy in a row: in the tenth chapter of the fifth season entitled "The Window" we meet Maggie, a girl who has just become single.

As for Ted, what is looking forward to a stable relationship, he learns the news he rushes to have an appointment with her. She has to hurry because she is a girl who ALWAYS has a partner, and only for a few days between her relationships is she single. And I don't tell you anymore in case you still haven't seen the series.

If you have jumped from relationship to relationship in recent years the time has come for reflection

  • What are my beliefs about loneliness, singleness, etc.?
  • What did I really like about my last partner?
  • How much was there props in that story and how much of reality?
  • What are the pros of being with someone "for being" and what are the cons?
  • What do I really want in a couple?

Everyone is free, missing more, to live their love life as they please. However, when these relationships do not fill us, when they are born of needs and not of desires, they are not as healthy as one might wish.

It is better for love to arrive from freedom and desire, not to cover gaps or "have something because it is better than being single." If this is your case, it may be a good time to reflect and decide whether or not you break your dynamic. Cheer up with it!